I'm Judging You Read online

  The only way a group dinner can be worse is if there are toddlers present. Let’s be honest, toddlers are the worst. Those tiny humans are needy and they want your constant attention and then they need your help doing everything. They are so lazy. Then they have the nerve to cry and throw tantrums and be ungrateful. And you just want to ask them, “What have you done for me lately?” You don’t want to negotiate with tiny terrorists, but you’re in Target and they wanted that ball really bad and you don’t want them to fall out in aisle 20 and make everyone look at you funny, so they win. Those mini-villains win every single time.

  I am not immune.

  One time I went shopping with my niece and she was such an angel in the car. She sang, she clapped, she made my ovaries do the wop because she was perfect. Then we stepped into the store and it was like she got possessed by an evil spirit of bad behavior. I got her into the cart and was weaving through the aisles, giddy about being in my Happy Place. I turned around to get something off the shelf—my back was only to her for twenty seconds tops, tops—and when I went to put my goodies into the cart, she was standing up in it.

  How the hell did she do that so fast? She let herself out the seatbelt and somehow jumped up quick enough to be standing there looking like she just discovered America. She was so proud of herself, and there I was, slack-jawed. I plopped her right back down and buckled her seatbelt. Then I got real close to her face and whispered through gritted teeth, “You. Stay. Seated. Or. We. Will. Have. A. Major. Problem.”

  She looked frightened by this and chilled out. I was proud and thought to myself, I’m going to be an awesome mom, because I’ve already mastered the art of threats that are so palpable that you don’t even need to speak them above whispers. But ten minutes later when we passed a toy aisle she spotted an Elmo doll, and it seemed like the store went silent right before she screamed, “I WANT ELMO! I WANT ELMO!” Y’all. Why must you show out like this in front of people, Little Jerk?

  Toddlers are couthless. LORD. They are so couth-deficient. They’ll tell you “those shoes look like my nightmares” without a second thought because your feelings don’t matter to them. Yes, they might save you from embarrassing yourself when you go out in public by pointing out that you look like the radioactive stick they saw on their favorite TV show. But still. Toddlers are just short, mean teenagers. The only real difference is that toddlers are still cute, so we can deal with them better. That cuteness is the reason we get all attached to them in spite of their shenanigans, so by the time they grow up, we feel all responsible for them and whatnot. It’s really a conspiracy.

  Between our perpetual lateness, our failing at dinner parties, and the tiny tyrants we allow to boss us around, we are the worst, and I’m judging us all.

  2. Why Must You Suck at Friendship?

  Friends are the bonus gifts of life because they are the people who are closest to us who aren’t really required to be there. They’re not bound by blood, and they won’t be at the family reunion, so you can drop them if you need to with no problem. Unless you’re roommates, in which case you’re bound by a lease, and did they really have to GChat you to tell you the rent is due like you haven’t been on time every month? I mean, that’s just ridiculous. Ugh.

  Good friends are often our lifelines. Mine have seen me through heartbreak, through the deaths of loved ones, and through that phase in college when I was obsessed with denim jumpsuits and matching fingerless gloves. They stayed by my side in spite of the fact that I chose to look like bad decisions and Levi’s factory remnants. For this, I am forever indebted to my BFFs. But just as there are those amazing compadres who make our lives better with their presence, there are also those who might be bringing down our property value.

  Friendship is a two-way street, and some people block the way like a parked U-Haul truck in the middle of your road of friendship so school busses can’t get past, and that’s just rude. Although life doesn’t have actual violation tickets, some people should get the boot. Some folks don’t deserve nice things, like matching “Friends Forever” bracelets.

  I am judging those of us who are these friends:

  The friend who competes with me (The Competitor)

  It is said that we are the sum of the five people we hang out with the most. This means we should draw inspiration from our closest friends, seeing their growth and triumphs as a push to be better ourselves. But then there’s the friend who I like to call The Competitor. This is a person who feels like their life is in direct competition with others’, and any win for someone else means they must trump it. Do not be this friend, because we’re not all in the same race, so why do you think we’re in the same lane?

  It happens like this: Something fantastic happens, and you pick up the phone to tell The Competitor. They applaud you momentarily and then they remind you of something they did that was similar, but at a higher level. Every single time. They’re so used to doing it that they don’t even realize it, and you start telling them your good news less and less.

  If you tell them that you just got a new job, they’ll tell you they’ve been promoted to Topflight Job Haver of the World. If you say that you got an A on your paper, they’ll retort that their paper was considered the best in the class. Their superpower is being able to make any good news you have into something about them, and you will eventually realize that they really do not wish you well. Your joy is an ever-present reminder of their failures, and nobody needs that in their life.

  The Competitor will get engaged at your wedding, just so the spotlight can be on them. Then you’ll have to have your baby at their reception as they cut their cake, to return the favor. You will get afterbirth all over the UGLASS4 neon tulle bridesmaid dress they made you wear because they didn’t want you to outshine them. It’s the Circle of Life of Pettiness.

  The friend who only calls when they need something (The SOS Pal)

  We all go through tough times where everything sucks and we just need to lay our burdens on the ears and shoulders of our friends. Needing support during hard times is a part of life, and our friendship villages exist partly so they can hold us up when we’re weak. When times are better for us, we in turn reciprocate that love and support. However, there are some friends who are only around when they are in need. They take, but when it’s time to give they’re missing in action, like the edges of someone whose braids have been too tight for ten years. I like to call these friends SOS Pals. I am judging people who allow themselves to be SOS Pals so often it becomes a part of their character.

  SOS Pals will call you whenever they’re in crisis mode and need help. You might have to loan them money, bail them out of jail, or act as their alibi when they’ve been doing something they weren’t supposed to. They’re broke; you get a call. They need a job; your inbox blows up. They’re sad that day; you get a sad emoji in your texts. You’ve put on your therapist/caretaker suit for them, and now you are the Batman to their Gotham. This is co-dependence and it can become unhealthy, especially when your relationship with this friend is reliant on you always playing Captain Save-a-Pal.

  You do it because this is what friends are for, not because you’re expecting some medal of honor. However, this principle falls to pieces when you do not hear from SOS Pal when things are on the upswing for them. In bad times, you’re in their phone’s “Favorites” list, but in good times, you only find out what they’re up to via social media along with everyone else. You go from bestie to follower quick, finding out that they’re now engaged or they got that promotion at the same time as their seventh-grade classmate who they just friended on Facebook the week before, when normally they’re taking the “call me anytime you need” mantra literally with 3:00 a.m. sobbing conversations. They know your number when they have a dilemma but forget it for celebrations.

  SOS Pal also does not call you to check up on you, and there have been times when they called you in their emergency and you mentioned yours, but they brushed it aside, because “this is about my pain.” You end
up feeling taken advantage of because your friendship is truly one-sided.

  When I was in college, my BFF was the de facto therapist of our dorm floor. People would go to her room at all hours to vent and cry and whine and throw tantrums. She was an always-present listening ear who was wise beyond her twenty-year-old self. Everyone was an SOS Pal to her, because none of us seemed to realize she was going through her own struggles and heartbreak. Then one day she left a note on the dry-erase board on her door: “I’ve run away. Wipe your own asses from now on. —Management.”

  Touché. Tou all the chés.

  We have all been SOS Pals at some point in our lives. But when we are out of our crisis beds, we need to make an effort to also be there for those who we just used as pillows. Don’t drop your burdens on people without also being willing to drop some blessings on them, too. They are not your dumping ground for life’s problems.

  How do you know if you’re an SOS Pal? Look at the last texts or calls or e-mails you’ve sent to your good friends. Have they been all about you for some time? Then yes, you are one. Call your friends up and ask how they’re doing.

  The friend who will one day get us beat up or arrested (The Adventurer)

  There are some friends who push us out of our comfort zones, and The Adventurer (aka Reckless Robin) is that type of friend. They live life on the edge, and sometimes it gets them into messy situations. They act like rock stars, but without the fame and money.

  The Adventurer is captain of Team No Chill because they love being spontaneous in every way. They can turn a simple brunch into an event worth telling a story about later. You love them for keeping you on your toes, but you kinda fear for your safety when you’re with them. Going out with them is like going on the Oregon Trail: you might end up having an exciting adventure or you might end up with dysentery. They really do epitomize “Turn Up” and “Rules Are Made to Be Broken.” They are basically that friend your parents warned you about.

  The Adventurer enjoys drama. You’re probably afraid to travel with them—what if you end up in jail on another continent because they convinced you to visit that museum after it closed? I lack survival skills, and I don’t need my life to resemble a sequel to The Hangover. Although my Adventurer friend can be a great time, like when she took me to get a tattoo in Miami at 1:00 a.m. (from Lil Wayne’s artist), we got my friend’s mini-Chihuahua drunk off two strawfuls of margarita at Wet Willie’s, and then we slept by a pool at a random hotel until morning. Then we got our luggage and went straight to the airport, smelling and looking like last night’s bad (but fun) decisions. Good times.

  Adventurer friends are down for anything, and sometimes that means they’re also down to fight. You’re afraid to go out with them because they might say something that somebody will take the wrong way, and then you might find yourself having to defend them. You realize that even though you know how to talk mad shit, when it comes down to the actual execution of a proper fight, you are ill equipped. You’d both get your asses beat if a Jets versus Sharks situation were to go down. You have to hope it never comes to that and that you can instead just circle each other and settle it with a Running Man competition.

  Still, everyone needs at least one person in their squad to keep life interesting and to be in charge of their bachelor/bachelorette party, even if you’ll end up late to the altar, hungover and wondering if you broke some vows before even reciting them.

  If you’re this friend, I’m not really judging you as much as envying you. You have way better stories than I do. Also, no, I do not want to come to Antarctica to float on a glacier for three days. I’ll be looking forward to your pics, though! Send me a postcard.

  The friend you don’t/can’t trust (The Lannister)

  There are some people who we feel we are obligated to remain friends with because of either proximity or history. Maybe you were born at the same hospital on the same day, and your moms are BFFs because of it. Or maybe you have so many friends in common there’s no way you won’t have to see or hang out with this person. You might really enjoy their company because they’re fun to be around. Unfortunately, you know you can’t trust them. They have done things in the past to others around you, and you can tell that they could easily do the same to you. Like the time they slept with your other friend’s boo. Or when they stole from someone and got caught. Maybe they did something traitorous and later apologized, but there are some things you cannot come back from. Again, they might have done nothing to you personally, but like Mother Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

  So you know The Lannister is not to be truly trusted. You would not leave them alone in your house, and they surely cannot stay overnight. You don’t mind inviting them to brunch, but you have to compartmentalize the friendship. Keeping them at arm’s length is your best bet, and a way to keep them from infiltrating your life with foolishness. College was full of these friends, but you managed to drop many of them after the pomp and circumstance of graduation.

  This type of person will stab you in the back, and then they’ll use that same knife to butter their bread at your group brunch the next week. Basically, they’re a Lannister from Game of Thrones. You might not like hanging out with them, but it’s safer to be able to keep an eye on them. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

  The friend who you don’t really know (The Surface)

  We all have that mysterious friend who we’ve known for years and years. We might have gone to elementary school, high school, and college with them. They are part of so many of our memories that they are more than just acquaintances. However, you don’t really know them beyond the surface level because they are very guarded with everything. They take real Gs moving in silence like gnomes to new heights. Are they in a relationship? You have no idea. What is their pet’s name? When did they get a pet, anyway? What kind of job do they have? You’re not sure. Are they in the CIA?!

  I feel like everyone knows this friend, a Tommy from the TV show Martin. I like to know what the people in my life do for a living. Does that make me nosy? If so, I’m okay with it. I just enjoy knowing that everyone in my circle is gainfully employed and prospering at whatever occupation they’ve chosen. And unless being forever unemployed is your stated life choice, I expect to know something about how you make your livelihood.

  One of the things we all assume is that to function as an adult you have to make money, and to do that you have to get a job. Unless you’re a trust-fund baby. But one day, we realize that one (or a couple) of our friends seemingly have jobs, and yet no one knows what they do. We try our best to get clues from them, and they never give us a straight answer. We even ask if they’re on LinkedIn (because at least that will tell us) and when we finally find them, the only info on their profile is the college they went to. (I see what you did there—you’ve won this round.) Their major isn’t listed, or it’s something like “Liberal Studies.” If y’all went to college together, you don’t remember them even being at graduation, because they probably skipped the ceremony to go to some concert. Maybe you saw their degree once in a Facebook picture, but only their name was visible. So at least they’re post-bac.

  When you realize that Google isn’t turning up anything useful either, you decide to ask them outright. “WHAT. DO. YOU. DO?” Then they act like telling you would put the republic’s security in jeopardy, giving a completely vague answer that leaves you even more confused than you were to begin with. Sir, are you a member of B613? Are you a secret operative on an undercover mission to make us all question your ability to hold down a job? What is the big deal?

  Look here, Tommy. You with your clear business card and your office in the building with no windows: I hope what you’re doing isn’t illegal. In fact, maybe it’s best you don’t tell me. If I get a random subpoena one day with your name on it, it’s best that when I say “I don’t know,” I’m not lying. I should probably stay in the dark.

  With The Surface, you just come to accept tha
t you will never know what they do or too much about their life at all. You love them anyway, even though every time they start talmbout5 their rough day at work all vaguely, you wanna yell “WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO, TOMMY?!” But again, you’ve reached acceptance. They’re still the homie. But … side-eye.

  The friend who is mean (The Frenemy)

  Some “friends” make you wonder why you have enemies, because they are literal mean girls or boys. They’ve made it their job and their life’s purpose to use you or someone else in your group as a verbal punching bag. They might try to disguise it with backhanded compliments, but their true colors shine through. They’re good for uttering statements like “Let’s go out to eat tomorrow. I know you don’t go to the gym now,” as they look you up and down. They throw so much shade that you have to use your flashlight app when you’re around them. The worst part is that because they know your insecurities, they’re adept at picking at your emotional scabs.

  Why are you still friends? Probably because they weren’t always like this, and the good memories from your long friendship prevent you from dropping them like a bad habit. However, at this point they are one more comment away from you kicking them in the ankles. Maybe life is rough for them right now, but they don’t have the right to be such buttwipes. Actually, drop them. Maybe when they learn to be nicer people you can be friends again. Or not.

  The friend who yeses you to death (The Enabler)

  Friendship isn’t about having the exact same opinion all the time, or never having an argument. Friends should also be able to tell us tough truths and help correct things we do that aren’t on point. This is why the friend who cheers on every single thing you do is not the best. They never challenge you, even when something you do is obviously wrong. Take them shopping and they will convince you that everything you pick up will look amazing on you. You test them by picking out some jersey culottes, and they swoon. This is how you know they cannot be taken at their word. Culottes look good on nobody, and when they’re jersey knit, the number of wedgies one will get throughout the day is unforgivable. Friends don’t let friends wear jersey culottes unironically.